No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
