Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
