is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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