i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
A+ Viking dick
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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