Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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