she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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