Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The Olympian is in my bed
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
