There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
