Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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