My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
