Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
