Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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