So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
