So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
