Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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