Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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