So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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