I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
