I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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