so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
