I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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