i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
