i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
