you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
