If i come over, it means nothing
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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