Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
