Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
