i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
