Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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