I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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