Im at strip club and am horny
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
