I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
