Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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