we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
did i just pee glitter
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
