i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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