it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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