the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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