I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
