Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
