mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
