I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I AM VODKA MAN
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
