I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
