My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
