I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
