He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
