i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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