I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
