i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
