Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
