Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He shit in the fireplace
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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