Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
