I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize