I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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