Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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