I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Holy sore nipples Batman
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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