I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
