For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You ruined the universe
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
