You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
