Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
