1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize